wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
