Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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