a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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