I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
