Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who pooed in my magic bullet?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

Sorry the bathroom was being used.

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(850): View more from Florida

I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5

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(208): View more from Idaho

I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(916): View more from California

We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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(803): View more from South Carolina

All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.

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(813): View more from Florida

My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success

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