somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
