Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You ruined the universe
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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