Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
