My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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