True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
