Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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