I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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