After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
