haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You took a bar mat shot.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
