if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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