call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
