bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
