I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
