I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
