I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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