he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
