I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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