we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
