3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
