I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
