Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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