she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
