He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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