4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
why didn't you poke me back
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
