how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
