9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Still dying that you shit outside
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
