my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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