The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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