I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
ok first of all what the fuck
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize