yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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