Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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