I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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