no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
