a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
