non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize