i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
