shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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