tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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