No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
