we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
