Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
