I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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