Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
