Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
