im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
