Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I want her autograph on my taint
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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