Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
