nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
