she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
