I just saw a hot homeless man
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize